How do you know you are in a bad fantasy football league?! By Chaos & Cali Nick
It was 1998 and I was sitting in a movie theater in Manhattan Beach, California watching the movie Rounders. Two scenes stick out to me more than any others.
Opening scene when Mike (Matt Damon’s character) is getting his cash together from all over his apartment to get “5 stacks of high society” to get all nice and pretty to hand over to Teddy KGB. Other scene is when they are all at the Taj in Atlantic City just railing through the players that just have no clue. Here is the quote that stuck with me “If you can’t spot the sucker in your first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker.”
When I sit at any poker table I think of the same line and there are times when I don’t walk away from the table but I run, and I’m gone.
Fantasy football is here and the same principal should apply. If you are talking to co-workers, acquaintances, the mailman, or that exotic dancer you know and love and each time if you take a thought from their league that you want to take as an idea for your league and the other people (commish) don’t want to incorporate anything you do in your league to theirs, then guess what? You are in a bad league and you need to do like I did at the poker table, and RUN. Last thing I want is for you to have any difficult conversations or any embarrassment with that “exotic dancer.”
If the league you are in has any of the following, you are in a bad league, and RUN. We are just trying to save you and conversations that you may regret worse than any walk of shame you have ever had.
The league you are in has a bonus structure – Did you learn anything from the documentary, Too Big To Fail? Golden Parachutes are bad; there is no reason for the rich to get richer. This has killed the middle class in the US, so why world would you want to be in a league that rewards high performing players like that. If AP goes for 155 yards rushing, 15.5 points is fine, plus whatever he gets for a TD. Why should he get a 5 point bonus at 100 yards and 10 point bonus at 150 yards? He is already killing it for your squad all this does is eliminate close games and parity in your league. Take a prison shank to that golden parachute; what you want is as many teams to have a shot at the playoffs as late in the season as possible. We see 12 team league where going into the last week everyone is playing for something, bonus points can kill all of that, they are Kryptonite.
Your league has 8 teams or a odd number like 7 or 9 - One of my favorite shows is The League. It’s hilarious, well written, dirty, witty with all the trash talk in the world. The one flaw is it’s an 8 man league. If you only have 7 other friends, shoot me an email at FnChaos@gmail.com. I will find you 2 homeless people with smart phones to join your league. If your girlfriend is the commissioner and making you, the words “Not tonight honey I have a headache” should be nowhere in her vocabulary. Even if you are in a 2 QB league, starting 12 guys, you are in a bad league and you need to run. Please don’t make me explain why an odd numbered league is bad, I feel if I have to I would only cry uncontrollably for days, and no one needs to see that.
Your commissioner schedules you draft before week 3 of the preseason - If this happens, and we all know it does, we need to turn this commissioner in, somewhere that Jack Bauer couldn’t find him/her. This person should lose all privileges in life. I am talking they can’t be a pet owner, have a drivers license, or be able to do anything on the internet without parental controls turned way up. Don’t make excuses for them, I’m sure Jeffery Dahmer was just hungry. Drafts should not be done until teams have to make their cuts to a 52 man roster. Every year we see a veteran you wanted late in a draft get cut for salary reasons, or a major injury to a high profile player. What do you do anyway if you draft before then anyway, you sit there and stare at it for a month, rosterbating? Makes no sense that’s what mocks are for. Take time and do the research you want to do anyway to win your league. Pour one out for the commissioners that think this is a good idea.
I know all you want to hear from your boys are “she’s a keeper.” Kid yourself all you want that she doesn’t mean that much to you, or its no big deal if they like her or not but you want people to say that about your girl and your fantasy league. Keepers can destroy a league. The guys that has Andrew Luck his rookie year, you will never ever have him on your roster unless you trade the farm, if you are in a bad keeper league. Look its not about marking your territory, you don’t get to put a ring on Luck’s finger. 50% of marriages end in divorce anyway so just know if your keeper league doesn’t have some sort of limits to how long you can keep a player, it’s a bad league.
Some ideas that will help your league not be on the naughty list…
Draft and draft order - Don’t be that random draft order league, nothing is worse that hearing someone tell me “I find out when I draft 20 minutes before we draft.” Ai weep for that guy and his league. Why is there so much hate in the world to where you don’t get to do mocks and plan for your league. Do this take last years standings (NO I AM NOT ABOUT TO SAY DO REVERSE ORDER OF STANDINGS FOR DRAFT ORDER, stop it, don’t be that guy)and in reverse order have your team select their draft positions. So whoever finished last gets the first choice on where they want to draft. Do this a month before your draft so guys can mock and plan for the draft. You have a more prepared league, means better competition.
Make draft day an event go to Vegas. We draft in Vegas every year, kickoff weekend. We don’t always have all 12 teams but usually 10 – 11 and its great. Trash Talk, just hanging out talking football. Maybe some gambling, and umm other Vegas things.
League Champ gets to rename and re logo the last place team. So for that entire next season the last place team is stuck with the logo and name that the Champ chooses. Look just don’t lose.
Write articles, talk trash, this keeps everyone interested in what is going on. Let everyone see how much the guy you are playing against this week sucks. That’s a freaking right of passage and you have to tell the world.
We are just looking out for you; Nick my co commissioner helped me get ideas together because we don’t want you to be “that guy in that league.” This should be the best time of year and everyone here is just trying to help you enjoy it to the fullest. So hopefully as you do your draft prep and get ready to dominate your league you look through these key points of a bad league and realize you are not in one, but if you are in one, take your chips and walk away from the table as fast as possible.